Would you ‘rescue’ your teen?!

My teenage daughter forgot her purse this morning. She realised just as I dropped her off to catch the ferry which takes her over the river to her bus into college.
I had no cash on me. This meant she couldn’t catch the ferry which meant she would miss her bus. There’s only one bus into college so if she misses it, she’s not going to college…unless I drive her in.

It’s a 90-minute round trip.

I had plans for those ninety minutes.

Plans that involved me going to the gym ahead of a busy day of meetings and fire-fighting my to-do list.

Plans that involved me eating breakfast on the patio in the sunshine.

Plans that did NOT involve me doing a 90-minute round trip to my daughter’s college.

As we sat in the car, my daughter exclaiming at her stupidity (her words, not mine) a familiar feeling arose inside me.

One of frustration and disappointment as I saw my carefully planned-out morning slipping away from me.

Some familiar thoughts popped into my head as I slipped into Jackal mode. First, directed at her:

‘How could she be so forgetful?!’

‘How irresponsible / disorganised / useless!’

‘I suppose she thinks I’m going to rescue her by driving her all the way in?! Well, if she thinks that, she’s got another thing coming!’

And then directed at me:

‘Why didn’t I check she had her purse with her?’

‘If only I’d reminded her!’

‘Don’t you go bailing her out by driving her in - she needs to face up to the consequences of her own mistakes!’

And then at the universe / life in general:

‘Bloody typical! The one morning I was actually organised enough to go to the gym, this happens!’

‘I suppose I’m going to have to take her in, otherwise she’ll fail her exam, and it will be all my fault!!’

‘Now, I’m never going to get everything done today!’

‘Grrrrrrrr!’

Moments later, as the waves of frustration washed over me, another voice popped into my head: that of my calmer, wiser inner giraffe, who spoke in a kind and gentle manner:

‘You know, you forget things too.’ (ALL the time, in fact!)

‘She really seems quite upset about this.’

‘Maybe if you give her a lift in, you’ll meet some other needs? Needs that are important to both of you?’

This inner dialogue played out in a matter of seconds.

Before I had uttered a single word to my daughter.

I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and, turning towards her, I spoke:

‘As you know, I had hoped to go to the gym this morning – and that would have met my (very desperate!) need for exercise and nurturing my body and mind. However, I know you didn’t intend to leave your purse behind (we all forget things sometimes) and I can see that you’re frustrated and worried because you really want to go to college and prepare for your exam.

It’s important to me to contribute to your future and to support you in achieving your goals.  And I value kindness and compassion over judgement and blame so I want to help you out when you make a mistake, if I’m able to do so.

How about I give you a lift in today and we can figure out a system to help you remember everything you need each morning so that this doesn’t happen again?’

This was met with a sigh of relief – and a smile. (Followed by a promise to do extra washing-up duty this week.)

So, I did the 90-minute round trip.

Not with the tension and resentment of the jackal, but with the calm and loving presence of the giraffe.

It wasn’t what I’d planned, but often the unplanned is where we find the real treasures in life.

And this morning was no exception. On that 45-minute journey in, I spent precious time connecting with my daughter, having conversations we may not have otherwise had.

On the way home, I reflected on how grateful I am for the presence of the Giraffe in my life: that inner voice of loving compassion that’s inside us all, if only we allow ourselves to hear it behind the often louder (yet useful indicator of our unmet needs) Jackal.

So, a momentary lapse of memory that I could (and previously would) have allowed to spoil my day, turned out to be a moment of unexpected connection and a powerful reminder of the kind of parent—and person—I want to be.

Plus, I got to take in this gorgeous view.

How do you react if your child forgets something they need for the day at school / college? Do you bail them out? Or leave them to face the consequences?! All responses welcome – no judgement here. 🦒😍

Want to hear about my journey from Jackal to Giraffe-in-training? Come along to my free online workshop on Thursday 24th April at 7pm BST. You can grab the Zoom link here: https://www.bemoregiraffe.com/for-parents